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Writer's pictureNicola Murray

IF NOT NOW, WHEN? Mindfulness to build self-compassion.

I can see I’m losing the tone in my arms - losing the strength in them - my arms were always one of my ‘best’ features. I need to do some weights and probably some Yoga or Pilates

But

When I wake up in the morning, I’m tired. I wake up too early, so I can’t find the motivation to switch on my Davina’s ‘Own Your Goals’ App on my phone.

So I’m in a cycle of watching my body age and lose it’s strength and feeling bad about it.

IF NOT NOW , WHEN?

I’m putting on weight and I don’t feel great about myself. I need to stop eating crap because I am tired and because I don’t have enough time and because I am emotionally drained. I need to get organised, plan in advance, cut the sugar, walk in the evening.

I need to make the time.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

I want to see my extended family more often.

I see photos on Facebook of friends and family at big family gatherings and it makes me feel sad. I wonder how my own family has become so disparate . How we rarely speak to each other. I know we are scattered around - not exactly on each other’s doorsteps , but we need to speak more (rather than text) and arrange to see each other more.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

But my Saturdays are taken up with work, cleaning and getting ready for the next working week and my Sundays are kind of ‘off the cards’ because I need to rest.

Perhaps I need to re-define rest.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?

We need to ‘do’ more.

Weeks are turning into months. How is it nearly the end of the academic year already? How is my daughter sitting her A Levels and getting prepped for Uni? How have I been married for nearly 25 years and when did we stop making time for each other?


IF NOT NOW, WHEN?


But what is ‘doing more’?

I see photos of people laughing, out and about - on day trips, standing on a beach, out for dinner. On planes , abroad, in Paris for the weekend, off again to some exotic country for work. And I wonder what I did wrong or where I took the wrong turn.

But this line of thinking discounts all of the wonderful things I have done and all of the good decisions that I have made. Probably because I’m so intent on ‘what’s next’ or just on ‘getting by’ through the next week of life’s challenges. The ebb and flow, the mountains and the mole hills.

But I think that ‘doing more’ is actually about ‘doing less’.


IF NOT NOW, WHEN?


All of these things I think about.

I decide to change and adjust how I live my life so that things are ‘better’

But life gets in the way and that’s life - isn’t it?


So I am giving myself a little ‘talking to’ - not in a harsh voice , but in a voice that speaks kindly and understands that ‘sometimes life is like this’ and a voice that tells me I’m not ‘doing it wrong’.


This is the voice I have learnt to encourage through my Mindfulness Practice - a voice of self-compassion, that, more often than not, helps me to rationalise and notice my thoughts for what they are. Just thoughts. And they don’t define who I am or what I have accomplished.


I’m doing my best.

BUT maybe I do need to do less in order to do ‘more’

Maybe I WILL find the time I need to focus on my own health and wellbeing - because this stuff matters.

I need to look after my body and mind.

Maybe I will redefine what constitutes rest and see my family more regularly.

We do, indeed, only have one life and time does indeed wait for no (wo)man.

IF NOT NOW, WHEN?


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